What is friendship? And how do you relate with your friends? Wouldn’t it be great to find a way to talk to your friends and family in a way that not only elevates your relationships to the next level but also solves your problems? This is how to make friends. True friends. And build harmonious relationships through communication that inspires everyone participating in them instead of weighing each other down!
We all know it, we all have done it.
Maybe something terrible has happened in our week – or some time ago. Or maybe we have lost our job or split up in our relationship. Maybe we have even lost a loved one.
So we decided to call or meet a friend.
And we are there, sitting in a cafe to meet them. Waiting for them to arrive.
As we are waiting and ordering our drink, our mind continues to spin a movie about all the things that have happened and all the things that we want to talk about.
All the worries and concerns, what has gone wrong. What this person did, and what that person said.
If we are the friend who comes later, maybe we are running through all the very same thoughts as we approach the cafe.
As soon as you meet your friend, what instantly happens is that one splurges out everything they have been carrying with them on the other person.
Finally, it can all come out. Finally, we can express ourselves. And finally, we have someone to listen to. Someone to hear what is going on for us.
Finally, we feel we can find some relief.
It’s an old way of relating…
And one that all of us have practised in one way or another. I certainly have.
This was the way I was trained in all of my youth to relate to others. I was trained that this is how you have a relationship with someone.
And also, I learned that this is how I can find relief and a solution to my problem.
But you know what: It never worked.
I may spend months (!!!) speaking over the same thing that had happened in my life, trying to find relief.
You know THAT break up?
And still, I would be in tears.
It just doesn’t work!
It’s not that there was something wrong with me.
Or that the situation was insolvable. Impossible to change or improve.
Instead, the very method that I used to try to find a solution was built from a wrong perspective all along. It never was going to work, because from the very start it could never bring an answer.
Is this you?
So if you catch yourself with a situation that
you have been trying to solve or overcome for months
you have talked about with your friends or colleagues for hours and hours
and still feel like you hit a glass ceiling,
like you still have no answers
and the pain is still unbearable
and (if you are lucky) your friends may slowly start to be bored or annoyed from hearing the same thing over and over again
Then, you may have to also come to the same conclusion – and admission, that I had to make:
Your approach is wrong.
If you are now in that place, where you come to see clearly, that nothing that you have been doing has been working, maybe that you don’t know what to do or which next step to take.
Then – Believe it or not – you are actually in a wonderful position!
Being in this place, where you admit that all you have been doing, your whole approach (maybe to life) isn’t working, is a great gift.
It takes a LOT of humility AND clarity to come to this conclusion.
Or a lot of pain.
The gift of being in this position is that it brings openness:
It opens the glass ceiling and opens you to new connections. To be happy to try new ways of relating and new ways to see and approach life.
If you can be in this position, you are really lucky indeed, because it is very possible that a new and better way of life is about to begin.
Bringing this back to our way of being and relating to other people, you may become suddenly very clear that just splurging out your worries and concerns, and really just indulging the idea of this and that being horrible or bad, is not a good way to relate to anyone.
Because no relationship is allowed to flourish – and ripen to the true potential that it can have, when it is just continuously filled up with negativity and concern.
This doesn’t mean, that we are going all rainbows, bubbles, and unicorns!
It doesn’t mean, that we are only going to be talking about positive stuff, and avoiding all the real word problems that we are experiencing in our lives.
Not at all. But the way we are approaching these problems comes from an entirely different perspective.
Now, the only reason to talk about something in our lives, that we can’t figure out, is because we are actually looking for a solution.
It’s not about confirming our own identity and marinate in self-hatred, self-pity or the pity, envy or hatred of others.
It comes from an open view that is open to receive the next possible answer and take the next possible step. A view that is innately ok with what is going on, even if it doesn’t feel so good. And takes action from there.
And it doesn’t take long. Soon we see a clear difference in our lives.
Because we are too busy to enjoy our own lives – and to create an even better life for ourselves – and everyone around us, we don’t care anymore what other people are saying or doing.
It doesn’t matter anymore if they wore this or they did that.
We are way too busy supporting and enjoying the people around us!
The conversations with our friends, business partners, and family, are then filled with a sense of inspiration and excitement.
We are enjoying finding solutions for the different things that are going on in our lives.
Or at least are slowly on our way to get there.
Suddenly the things that are happening in our lives are not as daunting anymore – Birth, Money, Love, Sorrow, Death –
Whatever is our experience, we are able to be with our friends.
And more importantly – with ourselves – much more authentically and easefully.
Because there is no need to change it or hide from it anymore, we can actually start to make changes.
How to implement a change in perspective?
So that’s all good and well. Sounds like a pretty good way to live – no?
But if you are in the position, where you can recognize for yourself, that you have been relating in old and less inspired ways, then it can be difficult to get out of that habit.
It can be quite difficult. Not just because ourselves, we have been following this way of relating our whole life.
But also, all the relationships that we now have, were built on the same basis of relating.
Because of that, it can take a firm commitment to start to relate differently.
Maybe we need to catch ourselves first in our conversations.
We need to see where we fall into our old habit.
Once we can see that clearly, then, what you can do, is change the topic (SUBTLY):
Maybe you ask a different question. Maybe you interrupt the conversation first and then go on to a lighthearted topic.
Believe it or not, the weather can be a good choice.
If someone else is on a rant of there problems, you can point them towards trying to find a solution.
Taking the focus away from thinking of problems is the trick.
And can be very tricky sometimes.
It is good if we have someone for ourselves who can do the same for us.
But it is important that this has to happen in a very gentle and subtle way.
Otherwise, it can happen very quickly that the whole situation can turn into a conflict.
If then, we ourselves are not trained enough in staying calm and not going into the conflict, it can look very bad.
This is why it can be very helpful to seek outside guidance from someone else first.
If we are not sure about the best response in a conversation or situation, it is ok to just be quiet or find a polite excuse to leave the room at that time.
And to think of what is best, and maybe ask someone with experience, how you could approach the situation in a better way.
If it is important, or the situation repeats itself, you can then respond differently the next time.
Fear in Relationships
It is incredible to see how much fear has been loaded onto many of our relationships. We have built up whole stories and whole ways of behaving from those stories.
I know I have for sure! And the more “important” and the more “close” or “longterm” the relationship, the more stories can be there.
It is beautiful to take a clear look and to see what is actually going on: In most cases, nothing bad is going to happen if we speak clearly.
Even if there is a conflict or fight, if we ourselves stay calm and clear then we see that even then, all is well.
We can actually be confident enough to stand up for respectful relating.
I have seen someone post somewhere on Instagram post something like: It is important to start being kind rather than being nice.
It is so important to see that difference as well.
Being kind doesn’t always look or feel nice.
While it comes from a place of complete love, connection and wanting the best, sometimes it may look quite harsh.
If a situation is stubborn, and people are blindfolded, maybe a harsh seeming response is the greatest kindness.
We all have learned to be well behaved and to be nice.
But by adopting this kind of behavior, many of us have given up our natural ways of seeing exactly what is best in each circumstance.
It is very important to be very careful here: It is TOO easy to misunderstand one’s own intentions. It is TOO easy to use what I have stated above as an excuse to be harsh.
But it is not. Only if the response comes from a great ease, clarity and pure love – in our experience, as well as in the reflection of anyone else – not harsh or loaded at all. Then, we can know we are really acting kindly. And are not driven by anger and our own motives.
Relationships are the Solution
So you can see, kindness can take many shapes and forms.
And through us being very clear, authentic and real with ourselves and our relationships we create the foundation for complete thriving.
It is then, that in our relationships we inspire each other. We enjoy being together from all our heart.
And we feel so much more energized and empowered to contribute more, love more and enjoy our lives more than before.
Who would want to live any other way?
If you are experiencing situations in your life that you don’t know how to deal with please definitely reach out to people who can support you!
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